Scots Wha Hae: Blue Bonnets, Sluagh-Gairm!

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Bob:
C’est Vrai – Edinburgh’s very Port Out Starboard Home – and far too Anglicised for the Pure Bred:  Probably a hangover from The Enlightenment – which the SNP and Education Authorities are trying hard to change.

Having failed miserably in grasping the local vernacular in its entirety have decided to do a Runner.  Additionally, having stated at a Haggii Gathering that Burns is not one of the Top Ten Poets in the World (and putting Sambal on my Haggis) there is a Death Warrant on Ma Heid.   Better leave quick!

JAN

p.s.    Here’s Tae Us, Wha’s Like Us – No(Nah\Nae) Many - and the Rest are Deid!

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Come on you jocks - enough all ready with the gibberish !!

Cheers

Brian

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One is most distraught and apologetic that our repartee is not always coherent to the linguistically challenged

Jay Jay

 

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Dinna scaud yir mou wi ither fowk's kail

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hi,

... and I'm trying to learn Bahasa Melayu.   

regards, Scott

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The Glaswegians   :An answer that only a child from Glasgow could think of.

"I was testing the children in my local Sunday school class to see if
 they understood the concept of getting to Heaven.

 I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale
 and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?'

 'NO!' the children answered.
 
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept  everything
 neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?'

Again, the answer was, 'NO!' By now I was starting to smile: they probably understood.   To check I asked them again.

Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave
sweets to all the children, and loved my wife would that get me into Heaven?'

Again, they all answered, 'NO!' I was just bursting with pride for them:  Obviously they completely understood the concept.
 
Well, I continued, 'Then,  how can I get into Heaven?'
A six-year-old boy from Glasgow shouted out,


 'YOU'VE GOT TAE BE FU-KIN' DEID'
 

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... and a Six Year old from Fife:

Digging the Gairden:  little girls face pops over the Fence:
Hello, what is your Name
Stuart - What is your name
Mary
And How old are you Mary?
I'm Six
And were you at School today?
Yes
And do you enjoy School?

Nah, I'm F***in' pissed off with it.


This, and the last are completely True.   Moral:  Never let the wee yins hear you swear.

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I have listened to the commentators correcting themselves over the last months saying that the Olympics are coming to England and then saying we mean "Britain"

Do me a favour - after that welcome to London ceremony at the end of the 2008 Olympics - please don't correct yourself anymore and stick to England

Here is a newspaper article that agrees with me

Then came yesterday's closing ceremony, and Britain's eight-minute window of opportunity to invite the world to London 2012 as the breathless BBC commentators put it. And guess what? We blew it spectacularly.

Amid the cast of thousands of thrillingly well-drilled Chinese dancers, acrobats, singers and fireworks technicians, a red, double-decker London bus chugged ominously into the bird's nest stadium.

There was some naff modern dance from British youngsters pretending to be standing at a bus stop, and a cute 10-year-old girl chosen by the viewers of Blue Peter appeared at the bus door to receive a football to deliver to David Beckham, who later kicked it into the crowd of massed athletes.

How did he feel about this hardly challenging task, he was asked earlier.

"It's very proud for London, very proud for myself," he replied inanely. What an archetypal British hero he is.

The roof of the bus eventually folded open to reveal green topiary depicting unrecognisable London landmarks and the X-Factor winner Leona Lewis rising up and up on a hydraulic lift and looking understandably uncomfortable in a dress that seemed to be made out of a couple of hundred yards of crumpled Bacofoil.

This was as nothing however to the horror of the raddled, sweat-drenched face of Led Zeppelin lead guitarist Jimmy Page, his snow-white hair unwisely tied back in a horrid little pigtail as he thrashed out the celebrated riff of Whole Lotta Love.

Unfortunately both he and Leona were virtually inaudible and all the palaver about toning down the song's famously filthy lyrics was unnecessary because you couldn't hear them anyway. The sound resembled a badly tuned transistor radio in a tin bucket, though elsewhere in the ceremony, and particularly when Placido Domingo sang, beautifully, it was perfectly acceptable.

In my time I've witnessed countless Royal Variety Performances and the opening ceremony of the Dome. This British fiasco was worse than any of them, and even at only eight minutes seemed interminable. No wonder London mayor Boris Johnson looked so uncomfortable beforehand. He must have known what was coming.

I have two tips for you, Boris. Keep your hands out of your pockets when attending high-profile events like this, and secondly fire whoever responsible for this fiasco and hire proper showbiz professionals – from Las Vegas if necessary – to handle the opening and closing ceremonies in 2012. Another toe-curling embarrassment like this would be unendurable.


Cheers

JJ

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To be fair it was pretty naff. They should have had Mr Bean there - now he is a Great British Cultural Icon!! One I am sure the Chinese would have recognised above Leona Lewis ( who I did not recognise or even know who she was). I have been away from the UK for 3 years and maybe she is famous but I have never heard of her.

Lets hope they take the advice and appoint an "expert" to put on the show.

Cheers

Brian

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Lets have it right, this is not a UK olympics, nor a British or English olympics, this is a London olympics. The rest of the UK will not benefit at all. The only reason the UK is attached is to pay for any shortfall. You guys in Scotland, Ireland & Wales at least have a flag to fly, the rest of us just have to suffer in silence.

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.... the best thing about Beijing - was not only the most medals for 100 years - but gave a chance to the Edinburgh Cyclist  (3 Medals) to have  a go at  the Edinburgh Cooncil - and the SNP :  Charming and urbane as he was - it was still "a go" ..... and retorted to a journalist who asked "Would you carry a Scottish Flag" that this was a British Team. Magic!~14~

p.s.   Bob:   2012 is a mere drop in comparison to Westminster funding to Scotland over the years: - Per Capita we get the most subsidy from Westminster paying for "shortfalls" in Scotland across expenditure and other benefits - which Oil Revenues may or may not cover dependent on windmill spending.  The EEC would not recognise us as an Independent Nation\Country - more funding down the swannee.  Anyway, I would hate to see the overpaid heid bangers of the Scottish Parliament (of whateva hue) being in total control.  The Overspend on the Parliament Building (which is hideous) required Westminster to bale us out.    The Sassenachs (and perhaps the Welsh and Irish) are paying for much more than they all know vis a vis Scotland: But then the UK Taypayer is being screwed across the board..... Escape is the only route 

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A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress. A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'.
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing
next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three
walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders
of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign '
Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'.

He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket.

Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.

The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his
amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to
 coconuts?

''Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'

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Sorry...got the wrong title on the previous message ?

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GORDON BROWN was visiting a Scottish primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If ma best freen, wha lives on a fairm, was playin' in the field an' a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a 'tragedy.' '

'No', said Gordon - 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a skale bus kerryin' fufty children drove ower a cliff, killing a'b'dy inside, that wid be a tragedy'

'I'm afraid not', explained Gordon - 'that's what we would call a 'great loss''.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gordon searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, wee Johnny raised his hand...

In a quiet voice he said:
'If a plane kerryin' you and Mr. Darlin' wis struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a  tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Gordon. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
   
'Weel,' says wee Johnny 'it his tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss..... And it probably widnae be a f*cking accident either!

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Jock and a Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached. "May I get you something?" she asked. "Aye, a whusky" Jock replied.
She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he'd like one. "Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than drink whisky!"
Jock  hurriedly passed the drink back, saying "Och, Ah didna ken there wuz a choice!"